Sleepless Night

The time shows 3.15am in the morning, and I am here alone in this room. There is something bother my mind recently, it's very complicated and I somehow could not take it no more. Major issue is my relationship, respect from my family, and God. It is very personal to me to say it out here, but whoever who know the story; I really hope it ends well and peacefully. Some say, I am in the age of settle down and should step into the world of commitment. First of all, I am very sorry for all the memories that I have ruined and I wish I have a better vision of what my future going to be. I don't want to end crying every hour and depressed with all that fall onto me. I am sick of emotional abuse.

In life, we have different of stories, several of experience and similar understanding of how to survive. However, every people have diverse of dreams and vision. I believe that everything happen for a reason. Like my stories from the past, I never thought that my beloved dad will leave me like this, leaving me alone and I realized that up to today I still can’t accept it although I promise to strong about this. People who understand me, they feel about it, people who don’t, they will say that I seek sympathy only. Take my words; you will never be yourself today if not because of your parent. My father is still young when he left us, I just learn to be an adult, manage to get a dream apartment, get my car license and then he left us without any message. You know like someone who can’t swim lose his life jacket?

To stay alive, the person only has two options, to keep floating or die. Along the way, while you struggle to swim, there will be more obstacles coming like strong waves, rocks, jellyfish or good thing like an island to keep you rest for a while. When u get into the island, u jump into happiness and you feel that might the last destination and you may live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the island unable to supply you car to move around, and other critical equipment that you really need and you start missing home again. In my case, I choose to leave the island and hope brighter future at home. However, all who waiting me at home expect me to bring the island together. When I refuse to, it’s me who being selfish. Island people always back me up, but no one from my home is happy with me. How I wish I could seek forgiveness and live normally again.

In time like this, only one person who I can talk to, understand what I feel and consider what to do, but he is not here anymore, impossible for me to get his help or seek therapy from him. Dady, kalaulah daddy masih hidup, mesti daddy tidak kasi biar sya begini. Apa pun dosa sya sma daddy dulu, tolonglah kasi maaf sya, sya mau hidup macam daddy masih hidup. Sya harap dpt jumpa daddy cepat. Sya sayang daddy..............sya rindu...........

I will stay strong.. Hopefully..